Every time I go to a gift shop or stationary shop I see cards.

Birthday cards, Get Well cards, Merry Christmas cards, Deepavali cards (Strangely I didn’t receive any this year) so on and so forth.

These cards are from artists. People you might never know or meet in your life. They paint these cards themselves or draw them. These cards are things of beauty, monuments to inspired creativity.

Every time I see a card I feel insignificant and embarrassed and talentless.

I had so much fun last weekend. It’s been a long time since I have had this much fun and it’s all thanks to a special someone. Too bad I have sent her away but it was fun while it lasted. If you asked me right here and right now, I would say it was my best weekend for the whole of 2005.

I guess I need to remember these special moments in my life because I don’t think I am going to get too many of such wonderful times.

I wish I could get over it…but I can’t. Love is a very strange thing and works in mysterious ways.

These days when I wake up in the morning I feel extremely tired. The lack of sleep is having a negative effect on my health. Although the army recommends every soldier at least 7 hours of sleep each day, I find myself not adhering to the rule. But hey since when I gave a damn about rules. Anyway the reason I find myself not sleeping or having trouble sleeping is because I find my head full of ideas for my personal projects apart from spending late nights learning maya 7.

Every time I close my eyes or lie in bed I get ideas for my personal projects especially for my Ramayanam script. I can’t explain in words how awesome some of these cinematic moments are going to be. I have a feeling that if I ever got the chance to make this movie, I guarantee its going to rock your world.

I promised myself that I will do whatever it takes to deliver my version of this grand epic. But if I fail, I shall be contented that I gave it my best shot and I can go to my grave (damn I will be cremated upon my death) knowing that I chased a crazy dream nobody gave a damn about.

Having said that I feel I am too ambitious. After all it not like they are going to let me, a nameless fellow from a country that has history of producing lackluster films to write and direct THE movie of Indian silver screen.

Besides I don’t even know how actual movie production works and the stress that come along with it. From my little experience I have had with cameras, I have realized that sometimes a good idea in your head will end up looking bad for all sort of reasons. I can only hope for the best and that the good god forgives me for all my sins. If She decides to punish me by taking away my dreams, I will no doubt will lose my will to live on.

And lastly in exactly one year’s time I will complete my national service. I can’t believe I have finished 14 months of service. Come next year October 17th I will be a free man, someone who doesn’t need to listen to commanding officers and follow rules and regulations of the army.

And by the way I pray to the nameless good god, omnipresent, omnipotent, genderless sentient being.

It’s been a long time since I felt passionate about anything. I haven’t watched television or visited the cinema in months. I have neglected all my video games and hardly even play soccer with my friends. I have also put a pause on some of my personal projects which nobody really cares about.

Nowadays I feel that I cannot get much out of my life. And my national service term suffices to add more misery into my life. You just can’t imagine how much it hurts to get up every morning and report to camp knowing that they took away your freedom.

I feel a sense of emptiness in my life. I don’t even have a hobby now. Every where I look I see people around me as living routines rather than lives. They seem to do things not for their own pleasures but for the sake of others.

I am convinced life will not get any better for me anytime soon and the thought of my life being a waste is starting to get to me. It is my worst fear to realize that I have lived an empty life; I cannot go to my grave with such remorseful thought. That is why I still purse on given all the depression around me but I feel that the fire in me is starting to diminish.

If only I had nothing to lose and then I can do what I want, say what I want and be who I want without having to worry about what others think of me. But I know that it is not possible for me. Even now I don’t even have the heart to write bad remarks on the people I supposedly have to hate even though they will never find and read my blog.

Maybe it’s the way my parents brought me up. They told me never to drink, smoke and do the things that would bring them shame. I don’t even go clubbing thus I don’t even know if I can dance but I do know I can’t sing even if my life depended on it.

I know better than to indulge myself in wasteful activities. Most people will justify their actions but I have reached a point in my life and no longer need to seek an approval for the things I do. I am simply living my life because I still have faith that I can one day I will achieve my dream.

Somehow I knew today was going to be a boring day. I wanted to go running in the evening but the rain saw to it. I had to stay indoors and do my blog betterment. I spend much of today just reading my previous posts and correcting the mistakes I found. I have currently edited all of last year’s posts and also January 05 as well.

I didn’t go to Comex 05 as planned because of the weather and also because of certain events that has transpired. These events have caused me a great deal of heartache and to lose my opportunity to buy my much sought after laptop and video camera.

I went to great lengths to save up for these things but it wasn’t to be. Sigh…all I can do now is to start all over again.

I mustn’t lose heart, I must persevere for its all I have left.

I do not know if I should call her and make my confession. I need to tell her the truth but I do not want to break her heart. But what am I going to tell her, that I love another woman who has no idea that I love her?

She might think I am crazy or maybe even worse, she might consider me as a jerk. But if I don’t tell her now, she would no doubt hate me. At this point I am not even sure if she truly loves me. I know I did, I have lusted upon her for many years but never saying a word.

She is but a phone call away, but my hand trembles whenever I decide to call her. Should I call her? I know I must, but…will I?

She wrote me a letter, an unexpected letter. One which says how much she needs me and why she cannot express herself to me. I understood her intention, for I am also a fool unable to express myself to her. She also wrote that she believed in my dreams, a dream which I chose to tell her because she spoke the truth. Now I keep this letter and read it everyday, hoping someday the words she wrote might come true.

But I feel as though I betray her love each passing day, for I think I am already in love with someone else. Not a day goes by, without me thinking of the woman I love. And this isn’t the first time I am feeling like this.

She has become my obsession, my Zahir. I long to see her, yet when we meet I do not have the courage to tell her how much I love her. But I know the woman I love is in love with another man. She seems lost without him and I lost without her. But my heart saddens for the woman who wrote me the letter, she deserves more.

I fear in my attempt to find love, I might lose both of them. I cannot even bring myself to decide between them. They are admirable women who deserve respect. Their faces haunt my sleep and torment my mind.

Love mocks me. It knows my secrets yet it plays me for a fool. I cannot help but love these women. I know love can be wonderful but I fear its ostensible purpose is to see me suffer. What have I done to deserve love?

I was glad to have met her today. We talked and shared our sorrows. And I spoke of love. I told her of my two lovers and choice I have in my hands.

To love the woman who loves me or to love the woman I have fallen in love with. But the woman I have fallen in love with doesn’t know that I love her nor does she know that she is my motivation and inspiration. The very thought of being rejected by her or the fact that it might end our friendship has made me a cowardly fool.

I do not know what the future has in store for me, but I made a promise to my friend today that we will make it someday. And someday I might find the courage to tell the words I so fear.

Dear folks an unforeseen event has taken place that has left me deeply sadden. My grandmother has suffered not one but two heart attacks on Friday. I was on my way back home from camp when my mother called me and told me my grandmother was not feeling well. I had no idea that she had in fact survived a heart attack.

I rushed home to find my grandmother sitting in the hallway surrounded my parents, brother and my other grandmother (mother’s mother).

I asked me grandmother whether she was feeling well not having the slightest idea that she had a heart attack. And as I felt her hands, I was frightened as I realized that her body was cold. For all you folks that are not aware, cold sweat is a symptom of a heart attack.

Soon after, she was brought to the hospital via the ambulance. In times like this, I really respect the medical profession especially those emergency team personals. Without these people god knows how many people might have lost their lives.

Upon reaching NUH, my grandmother suffered her second attack. But thank the lord, she was with the doctor when it happened and the doctor did his best to save her.

One thing I that has always left an impression on me is the love my close relatives show towards my grandmother. Upon hearing the news, they rushed to the hospital to be with my grandmother’s side. I am simply grateful to these people, because upon seeing all their faces my grandmother somehow managed to overcome her ordeal.

All’s well for now, only tomorrow will we know the severity or rather the after effects of the heart attack. But in these few days, a lot has happen that has somewhat altered my perspective in my life.