How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you’re carrying a backpack.

I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life… you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV… the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now.

You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home… I want you to stuff it all into that backpack.

Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office… and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend.

You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag.

Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises.

The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living.

Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks.

I wonder if you’ve missed me as I’ve missed you. Possibly not.

The last few weeks have been for cocooning, resting, thinking, working. For listening and watching and reading and making notes and thinking some more.

For putting stuff in, so that I can bring stuff out.

This past year was a quite an emotional year for me. I struggled through most of it; badly. I never imagined it to end this way. But it did. Get over it Ganz, you stupid fuck.

Now we enter 2010. Twenty-ten. Wow. We’ll all start by looking back and inside. Then looking forward and out.

Then we’ll see what happens. Are we ‘under the dome?’ Not literally but figuratively. We are all on this planet and, at least for now, it is self contained, much like a tank of sea monkeys. I never really knew what the fuck those things were anyway.

No help is available from outside. It’s sink or swim, up to those of us who live here on the fragile surface of this tiny ball spinning fast through the cold and black and utterly unknown.

Another year and countless opportunities to see people exhibiting an astounding misapplication of judgment.

Love as usual eluded me. This time quite utterly.

I wished my life was a movie. At least you can fast forward to the end and see how it all went. Unfortunately I have to live every second of it and have no idea how things will end. Well it ends with my death but it would be nice to know before hand if you got married, made friends, had children, saw the world, help change the world a little and perhaps most importantly were you worth a damn to anyone else.

Dear God I find your humor in all this most disturbing.

If only she knew…

Today more than ever…

Now looking back at all we’ve planned
We let so many dreams
Just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long
Before we’ll see
How sad the answers
To those questions can be

I just wrote 38 pages worth of notes and created 5 Maya scenes in two days

The topic, CG Lighting.

And oh, here’s my tongue

I’m a beginner all over again.

If you are there, know that I will come in due time but not before I set the world on fire.

So.

May your twenty ten be filled with mystical magic and delicious dreams and monkey madness. I hope you READ some really fine books and smooch someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art. Write or draw or build or photograph or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in twenty ten, you surprise yourself.

I know I did with tears.